A Marauding Epic
by Lestata
Summary: Unrequited love abound and a few humourous little antics along the way - Those boys! Suggested slash. RL/SB, JP/LE, and poor old Snape wants to get in there too.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

'_Bah humbug.' _Severus Snape thought as he trudged down the corridor between lessons, he had just spied Potter (_evil Potter_) talking to – or trying to talk to- lovely Lily. Lovely Lily with her lovely red hair, and her lovely green eyes, her lovely freckles, her lovely lips, and her lovely chin, her lovely neck, her lovely –

'SNAPE WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LOOKING?'

His eyes snapped upward immediately to be greeted by a very angry, but very lovely Lily Evans.

'I…I err, um…'

'Hmph!' Lily strode off towards her friends, leaving James and Sirius in her place sniggering. How they sniggered, so evilly too. Severus wished he could curl up and die, so proceeded to stumble away from the situation in the vague direction of DADA class with his mouth slightly agape in horror.

'Teehee. What a twat.'

'What was _he _doing staring at Evans? It's disgusting! I must protect her. Next time I _will _protect her.'

'No mate, you'll stand there like an idiot 'til Evans is gone and start laughing again. Just like you did this time. The only difference will be that I will have a video recorder, with me all the time from now on for other such wonderful occasions.' Sirius made a mental note, though where he was going to get a video camera from in Hogwarts he had no idea.

'Shut up Padfoot,' James retorted, and then added slightly puzzled, 'what's a video camera anyway?'

'It's a muggle thing that takes photos but they move longer – I think. Moony told me about them.' Sirius felt intelligent, something rare but he didn't think so. He spotted something white half hidden behind a plant which he had never noticed before, and went to examine it. When he had safely crossed the hallway without being killed by stampeding first years Sirius picked the treasure up from the floor and examined it; it appeared to be part of one of those flying things he saw go over his house sometimes, the sticky-out bit. He quickly stashed it in his trouser pocket and checked on James in case he had seen him, Sirius didn't know why but he felt if he was going to keep this no one else should know. James however had seen nothing being temporarily distracted by a levitating turnip outside the window.

'What the hell is that doing there?' He asked James.

James jumped in fright, obviously engrossed in this turnip, 'I don't know, but if you tilt your head a little to the right,' which Sirius did, 'It looks a bit like McGonagall.'

'Oh yeah!' Sirius noted with feigned interest as he had not actually seen the image of his transfiguration professor and head of house in this levitating turnip.

'I wonder h…'

'Oh YEAH!' Sirius said pleased with himself and with more certainty this time as he had finally seen the likeness.

'…Um yeah.' James furrowed his brow at Sirius with concern, 'Anyway as I was saying, I wonder how it's floating by itself, I mean I don't see anyone casting a levitation spell on it.'

Sirius tore his gaze from the turnip and glanced around, 'Hmnn,' he noted, 'Weird.'

'Aren't we late for lessons?' James asked

'How the hell should I know? Moony's the one who knows the timetable!'

'Oh well let's keep walking, we're bound to find the one we're supposed to be in eventually.'

'Not if the staircases keep changing to spite us like last time.'

'Shut up Sirius.'

'Peter can you pass the juice?'

The following morning Sirius, James, Remus and Peter were sat at breakfast each munching on burnt pieces of toast or spooning suspicious cereals into their hungry mouths.

'That's not the colour pumpkin juice should be Sirius…'

'Oh well.' He replied and downed the peculiar green liquid in one gulp. 'Tasted a bit like pumpkin juice, so it's all good.'

Remus cringed at this disgusting display and commented, 'The house elves have been putting out really strange food lately…'

'Maybe its an obesity drive, you know to make fat people lose weight.' Sirius said as he went to pick up the jug of green juice again.

'You know you're going to get ill from that.'

'Quiet Moony you're being like my mother again'

'Err… Sorry.'

'What do you want Potter?' Remus looked up to see Lily Evans scorning James for looking at her – again. Not that he particularly blamed Lily; James was after all getting a bit obsessive and weird. In fact, Remus decided that if he were Lily he would have taken out a restraining order by now.

'I – nothing.' James mumbled and looked pathetically down into his cereal, clearly miffed as Lily walked off to sit as far away from the boys as possible. 'Why does she hate me?' He asked his cereal.

Sirius patted him on the back in a friendly gesture. 'Because you're creepy.'

'Err I think what Padfoot means James,' Remus began.

'Padfoot means that you're creepy'

'No Padfoot doesn't.' He glared at Sirius, 'Padfoot means that maybe you do stare at her a bit much… and follow her a bit much now too, and that it might, um, unsettle her.'

'No, Padfoot definitely meant creepy.' Argued Sirius, which earned him a look of disapproval from both James and Remus.

'You two are like a married couple!' Peter commented, also earning him looks of disapproval.

'Are not.'

'Are too!'

'Are NOT!'

'SHUT UP!' Shouted James, 'Now, why does she hate me?'

'As I said before Sirius rudely interrupted, your behaviour must be slightly worrying for her. Maybe you should try a different approach?'

'Like what?' James asked hopeful for an answer to his problems?

'Like Moony would know,' Sirius answered, at which Remus looked highly offended, 'What you need Prongs is a fool-proof plan to win her heart, and seeing as I have won many hearts, I would be more than happy to help.'

'What do you mean I -'

'Oh look, post's here!'

Remus frowned at Sirius as the many hundreds of parcels and letters dropped down from above, concussing many people.

'Dumbledore should really do something about our postal system' said Remus as he pushed an unconscious boy off his side, having been hit by a particularly heavy package.

'What's that?' Peter asked Sirius as a smaller parcel fell onto his toast, getting covered in strawberry jam.

'How should I know?' Sirius replied nervously, he quickly stowed his sticky delivery beneath his robe before anyone had a chance to look too closely and looked shiftily around.

Remus frowned at him again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

'Heyy Moony!' Sirius beamed as he crossed the deserted common room and sat on the arm of Remus's favourite chair by the fire and leant in a little too close for comfort. 'What'chya doin'?'

Remus looked up from his book to find Sirius grinning like an idiot right in front of his face. 'As you can clearly see, Sirius I'm reading.'

'What'chya readin'?' He asked, still with that disturbing grin plastered on his face.

'Like you care.' said Remus, suspicious as to his motive, the only book Sirius knew was _Where's Wally?_.

'Oooh is it dirty?' Sirius persisted in a way that made Remus feel uncomfortable, even more so when he slid down off the arm onto his lap. 'It is isn't it?' He snaked an arm round the other boy's neck as Remus looked on slightly horrified though not entirely shocked, 'Oh you naughty wolfy.'

'No Sirius, it is not dirty, it is Thomas Hardy -' Sirius gave a small snort at the name Hardy but let Remus carry on, still with an odd look on his face, 'now would you kindly explain why you are sat on my, erm, lap.'

Sirius slung his other arm around Remus's neck making him feel slightly claustrophobic, however remained composed.

'Can't a Padfoot sit on a Moony's lap?' he asked

'Uh, no not really.' However Sirius, rather than moving off, rested his head on Remus's shoulder, wiggled his bum as if to make himself comfy and remained firmly planted. Seeing as he made no signs of moving Remus picked his book back up and carried on reading over the large nuisance that was Padfoot.

James climbed through the portrait hole back into the Gryffindor common room to find Sirius and Remus asleep together on the chair by the fire, Remus still had a book clutched in his hand, which incidentally was resting on the others lap.

'Oh my God this is priceless.' James snickered quietly so as not to disturb the two 'lovers' and he softly tip-toed to the dorm to fetch his camera.

He came back and crouched carefully in front of the chair, taking a few seconds to adjust the camera, as any good photographer will do, and pressed the shutter button, causing a bright flash.

'NARRGGHHH.' Remus shouted as he jerked awake with a start. 'What are you still doing on me? GET OFF!' The slumbering Sirius was forced to open his eyes when he found himself on the floor having been rudely pushed. Meanwhile James rolled around in hysterics.

'Why Moony I do believe that was rather rude.' Sirius proclaimed as he hauled himself up off the rug and brushed off his trousers.

'And coming and falling asleep on me wasn't?' Remus protested

'But Moonykins I thought you liked it when we cuddled!' Sirius looked rather crestfallen but Remus couldn't tell whether this was feigned or genuine – he hoped feigned.

'Have a nice nap?' Asked James with an obvious smirk on his face.

'Oh yes, simply splendid.' Remus replied sarcastically, though it was actually the best nap he'd had in a while. Sirius nodded enthusiastically. 'Padfoot I really hope you're trying to wind me up.' He kept on smiling with a manic glint in his eye. Remus pulled a face and turned back to James, 'Where have you been anyway?'

'…Out'

'Out where? With Peter'

'No I was just out, around.'

'You were stalking Lily under the cloak again weren't you?'

'No I -'

'Don't deny it you were'

'I – was stalking Lily under the cloak,' James resigned.

'James you do know this is why she doesn't like you?' sighed Remus

Sirius interrupted, 'OH! We should plan your plan now!'

'Padfoot don't you ever have homework?'

'Yes, but like that matters when there is a plan to be planned! Now, we need to make you seem more… likeable. In every way.'

James ran a hand nervously through his hair causing it to stick up even more.

'We need to make you more charming and less threatening like a stalker.'

'I see… Am I really that threatening?'

'Yes, you are' Remus answered.

'Oh…'

'Hi everyone' said Peter as he walked toward them from the portrait hole. 'What's up?'

'Peter!' Sirius rejoiced, 'We need your help plotting James's plan… mate you smell like feet where have you been?'

'Uh…'

'On second thought I don't want to know'

'Okay' Peter replied falling back down onto a sofa.

'What does Lily like?' asked Remus

'Animals, tennis and strawberry ice cream' James sighed dreamily

'You could go talk to her about that stuff?' offered Peter

However Remus thought better, 'No he can't talk to her she hates him, it has to be less direct and forceful than that.'

'Since when was just talking forceful?'

'Since you started stalking her, James'

'Oh right yeah, bugger.'

'How about you write her a letter? Girls love that kind of crap!' Sirius eagerly suggested.

'I could do that!'

'That's right you could!' he nodded in encouragement, 'just don't be creepy about it.'

'Okay…' James began uncertainly, 'How do I do that?'

'Don't worry give it to moony when you're done and he'll de-creep it for you! Won't you Moony?'

'I supp-'

'_Won't you?_'

'Yes. Yes I will take time out of my day to edit and re-write a love letter written by James Potter. Of course I will'

'Oh come on it's not like you have anything else to do.' Sirius jested

'Quiet you.'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

At Breakfast, while everyone was contentedly eating there toast (as contentedly as one could be with burnt slightly mouldy toast) Sirius sat seemingly agitated, glancing frequently upward.

'Sirius what is up with you?' inquired James, 'You're being weird again.'

Sirius laughed nervously, 'Am I? No I'm not what are you talking about?'

'Uh yeah, okay just stop looking up and eat your bloody toast.' Sirius looked straight ahead and started absently chewing on his over-cooked slice of mouldy bread. Unfortunately for Remus, straight ahead happened to be him.

'Padfoot quit staring at me'

'Here we go again…' Peter muttered

'Another lovers quarrel' James added

The other two boys looked around quickly, 'What was that?'

'Nothing' James and Peter smiled to themselves.

'I am not staring at you moony I am staring through you'

'Well don't it's creepy'

'Oh look post!'

'Post!!' Sirius noted, though a little more excited than he would have liked, and once again a small parcel fell onto his plate.

'Sirius, why do you keep getting parcels?' queried Peter

'I do not _keep _getting parcels… and none of your bloody business!' He said as he once again stowed the package away under his robes, seemingly whispering too it. The other three raised eyebrows at him but let it go on seeing the strange state Sirius seemed to be in.

After a good few minutes of silence Peter decided it just wouldn't do, 'What's first lesson?' But this was greeted by only more silence. 'What's first lesson? Moony?'

'What? Oh Charms.'

James's eyes widened, 'Did we have Charms homework?'

'Err no I don't think so but would I be wrong in guessing you wouldn't have done it if we did?'

'Yes I would!' James tried to defend himself – he didn't slack off _all the time_.

In Charms, James Potter was slacking off, though it was not entirely wasted as he chose this seemingly dreary moment to write his letter to Lily.

_Right, not creepy… how do you write not creepy? Ask Padfoot._

He tore a piece of paper from his notebook, which now had very little paper left in it, and scrawled a note to Sirius:

_Pads how do I not be creepy? Prongs_

**Be Moony? haha. But there was always something about him… hmmm never mind. Not creepy? Well you could try… no I don't know. I'll ask Moony. Pads**

**Moony how does Prongs not be creepy? Pads**

_**I gather he's writing the letter? Well… trying. Tell him to just be honest. No scratch that, he'll probably claim he wants to touch her breasts or something. He should tell her how he feels, with no elaborations. Pass this onto him. Moony**_

_What are elaborations? Prongs_

**Yeah Moony stop using posh words, we are not on par with your staggering intellect. Pads**

_**Don't go over the top. Spare the disgusting details on the workings of your imagination and get to the point. Moony**_

James thought about this for a few minutes and got to work on his masterpiece.

At break time James trotted up to Remus looking pleased with himself and holding out a ragged piece of parchment that looked as though it had been chewed by a wild animal, which it no doubt had but Remus didn't really want to know.

'Is that Lily's letter?'

'I wrote it, and followed what you said.'

'Marvellous, lets see the damage then.' Remus reached for the letter, but James held it back for a moment, hesitating.

'Don't laugh.' He urged.

'I won't if it's not funny.' Remus assured him and took the piece of parchment, a little disgusted to find it was damp but nevertheless read on.

_Dear Evans,_

_You are really hot and I love you. Will you please go out with me?_

_James Potter_

Remus was shocked that it wasn't as horrible as he had anticipated, he was imagining talk of sexy boobs and such, but found himself pleasantly surprised.

'Prongs, well done, this isn't bad at all.' He congratulated James who stood before him running a hand through his hair every three seconds.

'Really?' James sounded delighted and thoroughly pleased with himself

'It needs a little bit of re-phrasing but you have basically the right idea. Well done'

'Don't sound so surprised Moony! I'll leave it with you then, bye!'

'Wait where are you…' Remus called after him but it was too late James had obviously gone off to perform one of his private celebratory dances.

Severus spotted the Evil Potter boy in the corridor again with that annoying little Lupin boy, so hastily hid behind another of those curious plants that seemed to be popping up all over the place.

'Is that Lily's letter?'

'I wrote it, and followed what you said.'

_A letter? For lovely Lily? Why would he write that? What's Evil Potter up to now?_

'Prongs, well done, this isn't bad at all.'

_Oh no, the clever one says it isn't bad at all. It has to be a love letter. Evil Potter is always trying to get between Lovely Lily and I. But we – I mean I, must not let him! He cannot have lovely Lily! But how do I stop him? Hmmnn… _

'…I'll leave it with you then, bye!'

'Wait where are you…'

James departed, followed by Remus, leaving in their place what appeared to be a Polaroid upside down on the scuffed flagstone. Severus cautiously checked the vicinity and when he was happy everyone had cleared off to classes made for the photograph.

THUMP

He jumped a foot off the ground and span round in the air quicker than you can say greasy, only to find a turnip before him, glazed eyes staring up at him…

_Turnips don't have eyes… hey it looks like McGonagall!_

He shook his head, slimy curtains flying and turned back to pick up the photograph once more.

CRASH

Severus shrieked like a little girl and hopped around to face the direction of the disturbance.

_Oh for the love of God._

The plant had fallen over. He rolled his eyes and once again went to back to the photograph, this time however he managed successfully to retrieve it from the floor. His eyes lit up greedily as the content of the picture was revealed. Oh it wasn't a way to prevent Lovely Lily from being taken from them – uh him – but it was sure good for getting that nasty tatty Lupin boy and his flamboyantly camp friend Black back for… being alive and friends with Evil Potter. However the matter of sorting Evil Potter out still remained Severus decided it could wait until dinner at least.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Remus held in his hands the slightly edited version of James's letter to Lily:

_Dear Lily,_

_I apologise if I have come across slightly strange and offensive, and would very much like to make it up to you on a date. I love you and would appreciate the opportunity to spend time with you and prove I am not a stalker._

_Will you go out with me?_

_James _

It may not have been his best written work, but it was certainly an improvement on James's attempt to seduce the poor girl.

'Done, now it's not per-'

But before Remus could finish James had snatched up the new note (a nice dry one as it came from the stationery supply of Remus), and announced its perfection, jumping around giddily.

'It has to be perfect because you wrote it, doesn't it Padfoot?'

'I wouldn't say perfect… Really I wouldn't.' Remus tried to argue

'Whatever Moony does is perfect, he wouldn't be Moony if it wasn't so.' Confirmed Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation, 'How are you going to give it to her James?'

'I guess I'll just leave it somewhere for her – how about her bag? She always dumps it outside the Great Hall before lunch. I could do it then!' James looked hopeful that the plan might actually work, it did after all involve no dressing up or potion brewing.

'How do you _know _this stuff?' Enquired Sirius, a little freaked.

'I- I-'

'Stalk her, yes we know'

'Hmph.' James grunted, shoving the love note into his back pocket ready for lunch time.

'Commencing operation letter bomb.' Sirius and James were outside the Great Hall, crouched behind yet another mysterious and conveniently placed plant waiting for Evans to come to lunch and drop her bag on the massive pile in the hall on her way.

'Sirius do you have to make up stupid names for things stupidly? Stupid.'

'Why yes I do.' Sirius answered unnecessarily in the same strange voice James assumed he thought was his spy voice or something.

They were both distracted from their routine bickering as James, about to retort, stopped to sniff the air.

'She's coming.' He confirmed.

Sirius gave him another worried look. He was becoming more and more worried about James by the second. 'You can _smell _her from this far, Prongs we can't even see her yet-'

'_Shhhh!_'

Much to Sirius's dismay, Lily arrived on the scene casually dumping her bag on the pile, and entered the dining room for lunch.

'I don't know whether I should be disturbed or impressed…'

'Should I go now?' asked James nervously whilst scanning the area and targeting the bag – just, he thought, like a professional spy might. Then he thought he was being too much like Padfoot and just got back to business.

'Yes you idiot NOW.' Sirius shoved him from behind the plant and he fell back on his bum.

'Thanks Padfoot.' James hissed then scrambled to his feet and quickly deposited the note in Lily's satchel. Sirius gave him the thumbs up and joined him for lunch, not before having to be pulled away from the bag. 'It smells so good…' he mumbled absently.

Later in the common room Sirius, Remus and Peter found themselves contending with a very distressed James.

'Why hasn't she come to shout at me yet? What if it fell out? What if she hasn't found it? Or will never find it? What if she hates me for it?'

'Prongs she couldn't hate you any more, it would be humanly impossible. One person only has so much hatred inside them.' Sirius reassured James, though James on hearing this only sunk further in his chair.

'Yeah mate if she hated you any more you'd probably be dead.' Peter chimed in. James fell on the floor with a bump, it seemed he could sink no lower.

'Bloody chair.' He scowled accusingly at the shabby furnishing.

Remus sat rubbing the bridge of his nose, not quite believing how insensitive his chums could be, even if Prongs was a bit annoying. 'Just wait 'til morning I'm sure by breakfast you will have had some form of response.'

'But breakfast is aaages away! I can't wait that long Moony!'

'Well you'll have to find some way of distracting yourself until you get a response you cannot come on too strong! I will not let you cock this up.'

'Ooh err!' Sirius grinned mischievously, 'So Prongs how are you going to… distract yourself and not come on too strong?' He waggled his eyebrows and giggled like a schoolgirl, much to Remus's distress.

'We could play blackjack.' Everyone paused and looked at Peter

'What?'

'Blackjack – it's a muggle card game my uncle taught me. You bet -'

'Betting?' Sirius asked suddenly interested, 'Why didn't you say so before? I love betting!'

'But we have no money to bet with…' Remus reasoned, ever rationally.

'It doesn't have to be money… look there's a pot of drawing pins over there we can use those'

'…And we don't have any muggle playing cards.' Again with the reasoning.

'Yes we do!' James pulled a pack from under the armchair, 'Huh, weird.' He commented, clearly not at all curious as to how they got there. 'How do you play then?'

'Well,' Peter cleared his throat, pleased all attention was on him for a change, 'There's a dealer, and each player starts off with two cards.' He gave everyone two cards. 'And you need some money, so I'll give everyone ten pins to start.' He dealt out the pins. 'Now, I shall be dealer, and I'm going to go round… clockwise… and you have to make your hand add to twenty one without going over. That's going bust. Two to ten are worth their face value, picture cards ten and ace eleven. Say 'hit' if you want another card, 'stand' if you want to stick and 'bust' if you've gone over. If you bust you lose your pins. Any questions?'

The other three boys shook their heads obediently.

'All righty then place your bets!'

James bet five pins, as did Peter. Remus cautiously placed three upon the pile in the middle of them; however Sirius pushed all his pins forward with ever child-like enthusiasm.

'Sirius are you sure you want to bet all your pins?' Remus asked him, eyebrow raised.

'Um yeah, why wouldn't I be?'

'Never mind…'

'Okay,' Peter continued, 'Sirius, you first.'

'Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Bust… Fuck it!'

'That's why you shouldn't have bet all your pins.' Remus said, smugly receiving a stuck out tongue as his reply. 'Is it my go?' Peter nodded. 'Okay, Hit me. Stick'

'James?'

'Wha'?'

'Your go mate.'

'Oh… Hit me.

Hit me.

Stick.'

The boys put their cards down on the floor for all others to see, Remus it transpired had won.

'Padfoot how the hell did you get that much? It adds to thirty eight.' Peter asked him but Sirius just shrugged.

The boys played for many hours, Peter tending to beat everyone with his experience of two months over the others, and he accumulated many pins.

'I am the Pin King!' He exclaimed triumphant at the end of their games and scattered pins everywhere in celebration, one of which stabbed a dozing James who had gotten bored of losing.

'Hngarrumph – what's going on?' He rubbed his eyes in sleepy confusion, 'God everyone else has gone to bed!'

'So they have!' Chirped Peter, he grabbed the moaning, groaning James by the arm and dragged him off to the dorm for bed time, drawing pins of many colours tumbling from odd places on his person as they went.

'Weirdo.' Sirius said.

'Yes…' agreed Remus, 'Padfoot, you know those parcels you've been getting?' his tone now cautious.

'What? What about them?' The old maniacal glint had returned to Sirius's eye which troubled Remus somewhat.

'Well I was just wondering what they are? You've been acting a little strange lately concerning the whole matter.'

'What are you talking about? No I haven't! Biscuits! They're biscuits! From my aunty… McVitite!'

'Yes, of course.' Remus was truly puzzled by this strange behaviour, but before he could dwell upon it for long he found himself floor-bound.

'Ooomph. Padfoot, what? Get off me! Jesus!'

Sirius had taken a flying leap at Remus before he had time to even respond and Remus now found himself trapped under ten stones of Padfoot.

'Sirius GET OFF!'

'No.' He responded curtly.

'Why do you do this to me? Are you ever going to move?'

'No.'

'Do I have to tickle you?'

Sirius's face dropped slightly in fear, 'No!'

'Well then get off.'

'No.'

Sirius let out a loud girlish shriek when Remus tickled the spot just under his shoulder blades, which for some reason he knew to be Sirius's 'spot', and rolled off immediately.

'Thank you,' Remus said, 'Now are you coming to bed?'

'Spoil sport.' Sirius muttered looking thoroughly disappointed and he grudgingly got up and followed Remus up to their dormitory.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Severus sat satisfied in his dorm amongst small piles of posters bearing the image he had discovered earlier on the floor which he was sure would destroy the reputation of that man-whore Black and his runty little friend. Now that this was done he decided it was time to hatch the master plan to foil Potters plot to seduce Lovely Lily. But what to do? Lily could well have the letter by now. _Damn shouldn't have gotten sidetracked by the posters_. He glared at the posters but Snape's face softened and a smile spread across his face as he imagined the aftermath of this little stunt. _No definitely worth it, Lovely Lily hates the Evil Potter boy anyway. Still, we – I mean I cannot afford to take chances._

He remained on the floor for a few minutes looking pensive whilst many thoughts and ideas ran through his head. _I could poison one of his ghastly friends, the fat one, take him hostage and get the note as ransom. No, too drastic, could be messy._ He reasoned._ I could kidnap Evans get the note and she would fall in love with me and let me…_

'Severus what the hell are you doing sitting on the floor drooling?' He jerked out of his trance and looked up to see a Slytherin dorm-mate viewing him suspiciously.

'Nothing.' He snapped back defensively, and went back to his thoughts as the other boy shook his head and walked back out. _No, too strong. _Then the only reasonable solution occurred to him: _I'll just follow her around all day and look through her stuff to find it when she's not looking._ Yes that was perfect. And with the course of action decided he stacked his posters and left the Slytherin quarters to distribute them.

In Potions Lily rummaged through her bag to find a quill, when she came across a neatly folded piece of parchment with her name written in an unfamiliar script on the front. In curiosity, she picked it up but kept her hands in her bag so no one would see and get suspicious, and gingerly unfolded it.

_Dear Lily,_

_I apologise if I have come across slightly strange and offensive, and would very much like to make it up to you on a date. I love you and would appreciate the opportunity to spend time with you and prove I am not a stalker._

_Will you go out with me?_

_James _

As she read it her face slackened and a smile touched the corners of her mouth. It was just so adorable that for a moment she felt a little light headed. Until reality came crashing down around her.

'Miss Evans may I ask what you're so happy about?' Professor Slughorn enquired looking amused and surveying the girl smiling into her school bag over his glasses.

Lily's head snapped up and she realised what she had been thinking, dropping the note back in horror she replied, 'Nothing! Nothing at all.' Slughorn appeared to be slightly confused by the sudden shift in attitude but nevertheless continued rambling on about the properties of flobberworm saliva.

All through her afternoon lessons Lily found her mind wandering to James and then realising in horror what she was thinking. _Thank God no one can read my thoughts…_

She observed while her eyes wandered around the room. They locked with the creepy Snape boy who was staring at her fixedly. She immediately broke the contact and stared straight ahead, eyes wide, paranoid he had actually just seen into her mind. _Preposterous. I wish he would stop staring at me. Little weirdo. _

'Padfoot? PADFOOT?' Remus yelled in order to get his friends attention. Sirius was sat in the corner of the dorm, his back to the door crouched over something and when he heard the yell, much to Remus' amusement he jerked around, hitting his hand on a cabinet as he did so.

'What?' he asked irritated and rubbing his sore hand.

Remus raised and eyebrow and tried to crane his neck to see what Sirius was hiding in the corner. 'What are you up to?'

'I'm – I'm not doing anything Moony old pal.' Sirius laughed nervously, 'Why do you ask?'

'Well you've been acting very strange lately and you're obviously hiding something behind you in the corner.' Remus smirked and shifted his position crossing his arms and leaning on one leg. It looked to Sirius as though he would stand there all day until he gave in to the pressure and stepped aside, so Sirius panicked.

'Moony don't do this to me, you can't see me like this!' He tried to bargain, desperation edging into his voice, 'You can't see me like this, its wrong!'

Remus looked even more pleased with himself as he was aware that he could easily weaken Sirius and had every intention of doing so to get to the bottom of this. 'I'm sure I've seen worse. Now step aside.' He gave Sirius his teacherly look. 'Padfoot move out of the way or I'll come move you!'

Sirius panicked even more, he always succumbed to Remus when he did his domineering act – he just couldn't help himself! 'No! Moony no! I… I will push you! I mean it I will push you.' He pleaded and made pushing gestures to show Remus how serious he was about his whole pushing business.

'Move.' Remus commanded. When Sirius made no signs of moving he strode over to the corner where Sirius stood defensively shielding something behind him, however unable to cope under pressure found himself feebly flapping his hands about at Remus in an attempt to put him off satisfying his curiosity in Sirius's private activities. He was pushed easily aside by Remus and landed on his bed with a squeak of springs.

Remus burst out laughing. 'Oh my God Padfoot. Is _this_ what you've been doing?' He continued laughing as he bent down and picked Sirius's project up: a half completed model aeroplane. Sirius turned bright red, something he rarely did, and turned a pair of big blue puppy-dog eyes up to Remus.

'_Please _don't tell James?' Sirius implored, eyes bulging in a way that made him look a little scary rather than cute.

'I won't, I won't! Just stop looking so pathetic and… put your eyes back in!'

'Oh Moony!' Sirius pounced and embraced his friend tightly, making Remus feel a little uncomfortable.

'Uh, Pads?' Remus asked carefully, patting Sirius' back. Sirius immediately let go and took a step back, clearing his throat.

'Ahem, yeah uh, thanks mate.' He said in his manliest voice whilst rubbing his neck and looking at the floor. Remus eyed him up and down as if he was insane.

'Um, it's okay… mate.'


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

'Say good morning Moonyyy!'

Remus groaned at this rude intrusion into his bed space as he felt the mattress beside him depress. 'Mnnargh, what?'

'Smile for the camera!' Remus' eyes snapped open, only to stare straight back at himself in the reflection of the camera lens, he then looked up to see Sirius just behind the device with a maniacal grin on his face, who else could it be after all. 'Morning!' he chirped a little too cheerfully for the morning in Remus's opinion.

'Padfoot _what _do you think you are doing get that camera out of my face!' Remus snarled, and realising how little he was wearing pulled the covers up to meet his chin.

'Moony don't be shy! Do that angry thing again the camera loves you baby!'

Remus paused for a second to evaluate what his friend had just said. 'Baby? Who the hell are you calling baby?'

'You, baby!' Sirius replied happily, 'Oh you look so sexy when you get angry! Again! Again!'

'Do I have to tickle you?' Remus said coolly, knowing this would be the only way to get rid of his little pest, and was pleased when he saw Sirius momentarily lose composure, he hated being tickled.

'Don't be silly Moony – Arrgghhh!' Remus had sat up and began tickling Sirius's sides. 'Hehehehe, no! Stop it! Please!'

'Turn the camera off?' Remus bargained as if with a difficult child.

'Hehehehe'

Unhappy with this he persisted, 'Camera _off?_'

'Okay! Hehe. Okay!' Sirius surrendered and pressed the on/off button in order to halt the torture. 'Spoil sport.' He stuck his tongue out.

'Am not!' Remus protested, 'I just don't appreciate being woken before I am ready to wake – especially not by you armed with a camera! Where did you get that anyway?'

'I traded a magical wishing pebble for it!' He boasted, puffing his chest out and looking rather proud of his transaction.

Remus laughed in disbelief, 'A magical wishing pebble? Did you trick some first year?'

'No… it was that seventh year who thinks she can see dead people,' Sirius pulled a face to express her mental instability, 'I also worked a little of the old Black charm.' He winked at Remus with the stupid grin returning to grace his features.

'Oh God' Remus rolled his eyes, 'I would say you were a horrible person but quite frankly anyone willing to accept a 'magic wishing pebble' as adequate payment for anything deserves to be ripped off'

'There's the Moony I know!' Sirius put an arm around Remus's bare shoulders, noticing this he asked, 'Are you going to put some clothes on?'

'When you give me five seconds peace, Padfoot, yes.'

***

Severus watched Lily from behind the 'stalking plant', as it was now known amongst certain odd people in the school, as she deposited her satchel outside the Great Hall for lunch as usual. Once she and her friends had disappeared inside he made his move toward the heap of bags.

_Mmm Lovely Lily's lovely bag._ He contemplated as he carefully plucked it from the pile and began to rummage, taking in the smell of her that lingered on her belongings like a pervert. Severus had nearly sifted through to the bottom when something stopped him in his tracks. He grasped the string and pulled it out of the bag, and watched it stupefied, dangling in front of his face with his mouth hanging open, which to the passer by would give the impression he was about to eat it.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU _DOING?_ HAHAHA.'

Severus' eyes travelled slowly upward to see Evil Potter and his posse of dimwits.

'That time of the month eh, Snivellus?' James smirked and let out a large cackle, unable to hold it any longer.

Horrified recognition flooded Snape's face as he blushed furiously, yet curiously unable to let go of the tampon hanging from his pinched fingers. He stood there unable to move and clearly horrified at the feminine sanitary protection he was holding and the situation at large.

As the group of marauders entered the hall for lunch, Sirius punched Severus firmly on the arm causing him to topple over into the bag pile stiffly, where he remained.

'Hahaha. Snivellus _is _a girl! I always knew it.' James declared happily, while Remus looked on somewhat disturbed at the tense slytherin laying atop his peer's bags and _still _clutching the tampon.

***

Whilst the other boys were eagerly, working their way through second helpings of shepherd's pie, James stared glumly at a Hogsmeade trip flyer he held next to the neglected food on his plate.

'What's up Prongsy?' Sirius enquired, spraying bits of potato and mince over the flyer. Remus frowned at this disgusting lack of manners, but Sirius seemed not to notice.

'I've got no one to go to Hogsmeade with' James sighed.

'Prongs, what are you talking about? You always come with us.' Sirius reminded him.

James sighed again and rephrased, 'Evans will never go to Hogsmeade with me.'

'That's because she hates you.'

'Thank you, Sirius.' James replied through gritted teeth.

Sirius took this sincerely and continued, 'Why don't you try and find her in Hogsmeade?' At which Remus groaned audibly.

'Yeah! And I can ask her if she wants to get a drink or…something.' Contented with his stroke of genius James regained his appetite and tucked into his pie.

'James,' Remus began cautiously, 'don't you think that Lily might not _want_ to be harassed in Hogsmeade. I mean, you haven't even heard anything about how the note went down. Maybe you should give her some space.'

James shook his head. 'Moony, Moony, Moony. That is just not how girls think! Lily does want to see me in Hogsmeade, she just doesn't know it. It will all work out perfectly and we shall marry and have babies.' Remus raised an eyebrow, while realisation dawned upon James. 'Did I just say that out loud? I did, didn't I?' Sirius and Remus nodded gravely in confirmation. 'Oh…' James quickly resumed eating in an attempt to forget he said anything.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The four marauders were making their way through the corridors back to Gryffindor tower after a tiring day of lessons, and Sirius had become rather attached to his camera, much to everybody's annoyance.

'Padfoot get that bloody camera out of my face!' James shouted for the tenth time since departing from the Potions classroom.

'Uh, guys I think you should see this.' The boys looked over to where Peter stood slightly ahead of them holding a piece of paper and looking simultaneously concerned and disturbed. He turned the sheet around so the image could be seen by his friends and winced as James, Sirius and Remus all stood horrified.

'Oh God' Remus murmured.

It was the picture of Remus and Sirius asleep on the common room armchair together, in quite a compromising tangle.

'Prongs,' Sirius began in a dangerously calm and cheerful tone, 'I am going to _KILL YOU._' His voice escalated to a roar as he leaped on James and attempted to throttle him with the strap of his rucksack.

'Padfoot! _Padfoot!_' Remus hissed as he tried to peel his friends apart. '_People are staring!_' Sirius allowed himself to be pulled away, though still glowering and snatched the poster from Peter's clutch to inspect more carefully. Heading the page in large lettering was the word **LOVERS**, underneath which was the photograph in which he was looking rather snug on Remus's lap, and then their names to confirm the identity of the couple. Yes it was simple, but it got the message across.

'Okay lets go.' Sirius simply said and stuffed the flyer into his back pocket. The others just stood gawping in a slight state of shock. 'Well?' Sirius began to become impatient, tapping his feet on the rich carpet runner.

Remus and James exchanged a look regarding Sirius's odd reaction to the whole event, but in their shock rather than probing further resigned and allowed him to lead them back to the tower without speaking of it again.

***

Later in the common room, the Marauders sat in silence.

'So…' Peter began, but was trailed off having seen the slightly pained looks on his friend's face. 'Right then I'll shut up.' James nodded in agreement with an exasperated grimace, they went back to watching Sirius and Remus sat at opposite ends of the sofa in an unfamiliar awkward and frankly disturbing silence. James had expected a reaction from them but had hoped it would be a silly quarrel about who sat on who and they would leave it at that. What was even more disturbing was the way Sirius seemed to be trying to ignore it all.

'Guys?' James tried to rouse them. Remus looked up to him, then over at Sirius and winced at the boy sat quite stiffly, staring ahead as though dead. 'Sirius? SIRIUS?'

Sirius jerked his head up with a vacant and horrified look on his face. 'I think I need a shower.' He stated and awkwardly set off upstairs, the other three watching his departure.

'Why is he being so _odd?_' Remus groaned, 'It's really not necessary!'

'I don't know… Maybe we should just leave him and see if he's gone back to normal in the morning?'

Remus raised a cynical eyebrow at James' suggestion, 'I really hope so. I don't think I can live like this. _Not necessary!_' he reiterated with dramatic hand gestures and collapsed back into the sofa.

***

Meanwhile upstairs in the sixth year bathroom Sirius stood quite motionless in the shower staring ahead like a zombie, his mouth hung open in a most unattractive manner.

'_No, no, no, no, no' _He thought in monotone, '_no_'.

'No.' He confirmed to his self, this time out loud.

'No what?' A voice asked from outside his cubicle.

'_I said that out loud? Oh shit now I'm talking to myself. Reply, REPLY!_'

'Nothing!' Sirius informed the disembodied voice, 'Arsehole.' He grumbled to himself, luckily the noise of the shower meant the Arsehole couldn't hear him._ 'Can't a person even talk to themselves anymore? God. Where was I? Oh yeah: No, no, no, no._' Once he had reassured himself that it was definitely a 'no', Sirius stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist to head back across the corridor to the dorm. '_It's okay, just ignore your head and be normal. Totally normal. Normal. Because that's what I am. I'm normal._' He nodded with a determined expression, earning a strange look from a passer-by but he was too consumed in his own inner pep-talk to notice.

Once in the dorm, he scanned the vicinity to check whether the normal behaviour was required just yet and discovered it wasn't. Sirius went back to muttering as he put on the first pair of clean boxers he found on the floor in his 'clean washing area', climbed into bed and closed the drapes around him. Sirius drifted off to sleep in the foetal position, muttering to himself.

***

'ARGH!' James' high pitched shriek rang through the silent dorm, inciting much swearing from three of the occupied beds. 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?'

'What the hell is WHAT?' Remus shouted whipping aside the drapes surrounding his bed; he did not take kindly to disturbed sleep. James was backed up against a wardrobe, eyes large and fearful and pointing a shaky finger in the direction of Peter's bed.

'That.' He whispered. Remus scowled and looked over to Peter who, like Sirius had just decided to poke his head through the drapes in bleary confusion as to what the commotion was all about. His eyes scanned the area and fell upon a most disturbing image pinned to the wall above Peters night stand.

'I don't know…' Remus whispered back, 'It's _grotesque._'

Sirius shrieked and hid back in his bed at the sight. Peter pulled a face looking round to the source of attention, and cried out defensively, 'That's Elton John!'


End file.
